I hate answering the phone.

I work in a 911 center. I have to be on the phone. I get paid to be on the phone. I'm hooked to a phone for 12 straight hours. When I come home, I completely refuse to be on the phone. Now, I do end up on the phone sometimes with family or friends and lose track of time but when the phone rings, I check the caller I.D. first. Rarely do I answer the phone....that's what an answering machine is for. But I always answer when certain people call and my dad is one of them.

He's so cute. We usually talk at least twice a week. If I don't call him, he calls me. We don't usually talk for long - just check on each other, talk about the weather (rain and storms) and such. Well, he called last night. Only this time it wasn't such good news. My nephew is being deployed for the third time, probably to Afghanistan again. He's been twice, you'd think that was enough. I guess not.

I've been trying since last night to figure out how I feel about this. I mean, I know I'm down about it, but I'm sort of numb. I didn't get upset last night, even though I kept expecting to. I'm worried. I'm pissed. I'm.....I don't know....vacant. I don't want to talk to anybody it. I don't want to 'share' my feelings or get empty sympathy. I want him to be able to stay home with his wife and two beautiful boys longer than a year at a time. I don't want to go to bed every night praying that he'll live through one more deployment. Praying his marriage and his mind can survive one more year in the desert.

I am so proud of my nephew and his wife. They proudly serve their country, willing to give the ultimate. I believe in what we are doing in Iraq and Afghanistan. Freedom isn't free. The blood of our soldiers pays for my freedom. They are the true heros and I hope they are forever blessed. I just wish the cost wasn't so high. I wish all of our nephews, brothers, fathers and their female counterparts could be home and safe. God bless and keep our servicemen and women. May He hold them in the palm of His hand.


I was listening to Queen's "The Show Must Go On" on the way into work today. Listened to it twice, in fact. It was really hitting a chord today. "Inside my heart is breaking. My makeup may be flaking, but my smile stays on." That's me today. The show must go on.